breaking up with 2020.

12/30/2020~ 11:11 ~ brooklyn, ny.

I have always said it. I prefer to get hit in the face then gashed in the chest by your abusive diction. The human race disregards the power our words carry and the forces that they pierce through. I am a woman who has allowed the most invaluable amount of disrespect and who has disrespected others in the journey because of the impact of a broken heart. I used to be very reactive to how others made me feel. I was also selective about my energies and where they were placed. Being around too many people caused a sensory overload for me. My head and heart were always tripping, but my body cruised on airplane mode. I was great at entertaining because I had come to memorize the multiple personalities I spent time with in different settings. I allowed people to get me extremely riled up and these emotions caused me to participate in straight fuckery. I disrespected many, hurt feelings and treated people poorly for so long. This tarnished my name in the mouths of many. It made people look at me like a monster. Throughout this journey, I have had to detach from many concepts, such as the perspective of the individual. If you are constantly concerned with what people think about you, you will never live for you. My tarnished name slandered, luckily not as bad as other woman and humans may have experienced, but it was still a lesson. It was not about the things people said about me that I found negative. It was the principle, I had given people a reason to speak about me in a way I did not want to be spoken about. I want to be remembered as a woman who contributed to the positive development of her civilization. A woman who dedicates and invests her time in her research and productivity to produce not only personal happiness, but also commit to change in my local community via action. I am in control of my story and how it is written, where it ends up, and who plays a role. The more I figure out what it means to truly love yourself, the more disgusted and impatient i become with energies, circumstances, and behaviors that make me feel terrible.

For someone who was so grounded in social and emotional practices, controlling how I reacted to certain things wasn’t in my control. I was 23 years old and this was something I could not manage on my own, this was an issue to me. I spent so much time trying to figure it out and relying on others to help me find the answers to the question I seek. This is what made me feel broken inside. What made me feel broken was that I knew I had potential, but I felt buried. Buried by my own choices- truthfully. I found love in every other thing but myself and at the end of the day, I felt worse than I did in the mornings. I would ask myself who I was during this time and question my beliefs often, however, was so stuck in this victimized state, something like a black hole. Social media did not help me at all when it came to discovering my truth. As someone who was born very competitive due to unintentional sibling comparison as a child, being on social media was very difficult for me. I used social media as a tool of destruction instead of positive connection. It was not until I got away from others that I began to find purpose in myself. I needed to invest the time I was giving others in myself. What did I like to do? How do I like to dress? How can I use my time? What do I want to learn? Ask yourself these things. What were some ways I could detach? Getting rid of social media was the start. On December 31st 2019, I made a promise to myself that I will not be on social media for the year of 2020. I have kept that promise and although its been quite the turbulent year, I have grown in ways I would have never thought. My growth happened on my pace and through my investments and commitment to positivity and spirituality. I have never felt more free. Detachment took me months to learn. Everyones problem suddenly weren’t my own. Being an empath has its downfalls and gifts, but empaths need to charge their souls as well. This was my charging year.

I thought of my career. How can I possibly be giving back to the youth I work for If I am not in the correct emotional or head space to take care of myself. How can I be a great friend to others If I am not where I want to be. This is a journey, this is a process. Respect your truth. If i was not in the proper headspace to love them, how contradictory would it be for me to teach them about love. My youth need me and I need to make sure I am 100% best to serve, but most importantly love me.

Ask yourself, what is absolutely true in this situation when experiencing defeat. Take the truth with you. Detach from your personal beliefs towards the situation, be objective and do your best. Acknowledge what you, yourself add to the situation and structure the pieces around in ways the solution benefits your personal joy. Ask yourself, why do I care so much about what this person think? Why does this affect me so much? What is true about me? What is real? What do I have ? What do I want? How can I get it in positive ways? Detach from others. Begin to find you. This can be either disconnecting from the outside world, taking a one week break from your partner, or just committing to doing one wholesome activity daily.

I will let go of all things I harm, all things that harm me, and love from a distance this upcoming year. I do not need to tolerate disrespect, a broken heart, wasted time. Etc. I am proud. I am proud because this year consisted of no heartbreaks. This 2020 was focused on isolation, however, this does not mean things were not difficult. People changed on me, people became impatient with my growth and others walked out. Some could not understand it or wanted to destroy the idea.I feel blessed to finally appreciate myself, my solitude, and love myself in ways I never have. You goo bitch.

So i began this with saying, words are powerful and they are weapons to the souls of many. Watch what you say, how you say it, and figure out why you are saying it.

“No seas pendeja” ~ life coach🖤.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s