its cloudy up here…

My pain is what drove me to write. The sadness I felt on lonely nights. It was my anger that fueled my literature and now I am as calm and mute as they come. What a load of crap. Why can’t I get it out? The words. Where exactly do I start? Why do I write? Why do I want to write? Who do I want to write for? These are some of my real thoughts right now and I wish I had answers. I am not worried just frustrated that I am not running to writing as I used to. I mean, we are in the middle of a pandemic and spend our entire days on these tiny screens– This has to be it. Computer time meant something else 6 months ago, I guess.

***

Can I tell you what I have been up to? Great. Well, I have not been on social media for 10 months, I have been working on my career (love my job right now) and a side job (with multiple side personal hustles on the side). Not only am I pursing my masters degree, while being a student governing member, but I am also spending much time in my lovely church (via the virtual world). I am on several boards and split my time in multiple meetings and calls. I am pursing my real estate license because I just couldn’t resist. I can feel myself adulting. My bones hurt, does that count? I wake up early, go to sleep late, drink celery juices and try my best to mind my business. I love how I write that as if its my definition of adult-hood. I honestly just wanted to let you know I drink healthy juices now 🙂

This sudden shift happened fast and for a specific reason, however, I want to share that in another piece, but I just want to mention that I am proud in my growth truthfully. I am proud in my work ethic and my efforts to become a better person. I am truthfully not content with some life decisions I have made. I am not okay with the fact that I have made art with the lives of very important people and have caused some serious damage because of it. It’s one thing to be free spirited, but it’s another things to be disrespectful. No one should get hurt in the making of your life and if it happens, it should be coming from impact and not intention.

I learned that the hard way and I have been fortunate to have learned it with someone good. I have wronged and been loved for it and no one should be treated with that much disgrace ever. If you are reading this, I am very sorry.

People, listen here. Please please please learn to love yourself before allowing yourself to get involved with someone else. Just like you do not deserve to be brought down and mixed up in anyones bullshit… the people you pursue shouldn’t either. Granted we all have phases of life where we experience and go through our manic up and downs, but no one deserves to suffer just because you are still figuring yourself out.

In all seriousness, I have been taking my life super seriously in a calm way. I am very content with the woman I am becoming. Which is why I get mad when I can’t write. I do not only want to write when I am mad. I had to pick up book 1 again just to get me writing again. I actually had to order my own book to feel inspired, shit is serious.

what did it tonight was a new Bryson tiller album followed by a bunch of worship until I could no longer take it anymore and landed on Giveon’s work. Such a beautiful EP “When It’s All Said and Done”

Ill finish this soon,

ea.

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