Wrote this listening to my mom … on her first Zoom call.
I am beginning to internalize my emotions, it feels controlled and also know it’s an outcome of my renewed living in the present journey. I am beginning to focus on what it feels like to be present, to be here, to feel everything a second at a time. I am convinced I have altered most of my reality by thinking at least 4 years ahead and I have missed out. I was the happiest I have ever been my senior year of high school and the first year of college. I believe the reason for this is because I was myself, I knew solidly who I was, what I liked, what I wanted, and more. I spent much time reading more than I do now and honestly did not care much about what people thought when it came to my identity, character, physical, etc. I was able to spend time in my room alone for days and just binge shows til sunrise. I was content, I was innocent, I was whole. I have so many theories about my sudden change and shift in personality, actions, and behavior after that first year of college.
I am still working through the consequences of those actions and behaviors. My perspective has been altered, my heart mishandled, my grit tailored with, and new habits have formed. Living in the present became so hard for me when I began to live for others a little more than necessary. I had mastered my chi by the end of the first year of college- I joined my sorority, I was focused all fall semester, my energy was sacred and limited. I spread wisdom, I spread love, I spread support, I spread so much positivity. It was all under my control, I loved myself more than anyone else in the most ego free manner.
Then… I began to love too much. I became too accessible and this was the issue. Suffering is something I do not like to see and saying no was something I was still learning how to do. I got busier, I prioritized my social life, then my academics, then my business, then my spirituality and well-being. I fell in love with everything else because I fell out of love with myself. Have you ever lost yourself? Have you ever been oblivious to the fact that the person you were becoming wasn’t really you? What happened to me? I was sooo good. I became an entertainer, a battery to everyone else. I could never be alone and that shit scared me. Granted, my campus was a very lonely time for me and my safety was in the arms of my undergraduate “lover”. I was taken care of the following two years of school by my sisters and mine.
Providing my love, energy, time, space became my priority. Homework came after, business came after, it was all about loving. It did not only have to be romantically, but I craved sulking in my feelings. I loved my friends, I loved my support system, I loved everything I worked hard to get. Romantically, it was an intense ride- home was created due to my love.
Romance slapped me in the face and prepared me for a hard love life. It wasn’t until later in life that I realized that I loved people who also were oblivious to who they were and searched to fill their own voids. They didn’t love themselves and they definitely didn’t love me…why did it take me so long to realize this? My love vanished and instead became instant blockage. I wanted to block so much out after a year of intensity. I noticed the world was ruthless and I had to protect myself in such a toxic way. The toxic was heavy, the insecurity grew and my life became about survival. It became about being one step ahead, not looking stupid, and never being taken advantage of again. So I learned the game because it was all that was played with me. My innocence was taken, my battery was dead, and all I had now was the weapons given to me by my wonderful lover. Insecurity ate me alive, I needed to be loved-and didn’t know how to express it anymore. I became selfish and hurt many people along the way. I could no longer think in the present, it was no longer about the trees and the stillness around me. It was about finding ways to make it stop spinning and piercing. It hurt all the time, I did. I had to grow and grow fast.
I eventually mastered the art of vulnerability. Well enough to begin my career fresh out of college because of it. I was cautious about every feeling thing around me, but the relationship with myself wasn’t solid. I mastered the skill, not my life. Every part of my life seemed perfect besides being loved. I had forgotten what it was to love me because someone had done for so long and ruined it. I didn’t want to know about love because it no longer existed to me. I destroyed myself emotionally, mentally, and physically. I became the girl no one recognized anymore. By the end I was alone… and this ruined me (I used to love it before)…
I write this because I feel like I have been in a black hole for years. I have lost my value, my worth and I have failed to realize that I am one amazing womxn. For the first time in 4 years I feel alive, I feel as if I resurrected. I feel like the fucking Avatar, fresh out the iceberg. I am now waking up and realizing that my backlash to my trauma wasn’t a quiet journey- I ruined lives along the way and I have to apologize.
I want to apologize for judging you before knowing you, for playing with your time, for disrespecting you, for taking you for granted, for not sticking around a little longer, for coming at your values, for attacking your character. I want you to know that I am still working on forgiving myself for putting you through adversity. I hate myself for it, but won’t dwell on it long because I am different. Not for you, necessarily- but me.
I have learned how to love myself again and I am happy to be back in my shell. Being social media free is how I want to be for a while. The outside world is sick, and for a while I want to continue to discover the wonderful woman im blooming to be. I cannot wait to see who and what I become. I am fucking unstoppable and I am always going to write about it.
You reading this.. DON’T EVER LET years of confusion get you.
Dont ever sell yourself short.
Don’t ever stop loving even when they never loved you.
Don’t ruin yourself along the way because you end up hurting people who really loved you and now cant probably ever look at you the same.
You live and you learn.
I am ready to take my valuable losses because I deserve them, but just know I will preserver.
Hurt? I am not afraid of it.
I refuse to alter my reality.
My head and heart are on the same page.
Welcome to the NEW ME.