token.

Coffee- Miguel on loop and loop and loop.
All American Rejects- The Wind Blows
Promises- Jhene Aiko

Was never really great at expressing myself through words.
Most of my pieces begin like this…
Always have trouble telling someone they mean the world to me, I just don’t know how.
Terrified to know a life where you weren’t so influential.

So fucking influential. So damn supportive, extremely motivating, and most definitely moving.

this here is a thank you, since I obviously don’t know how to say/show that either.

have you ever been so mad at life? for letting you meet your soulmate before anything was set in stone for you? I mean mad. You spend time looking at skies darker than your stories, cursing the wind, and wondering why? Why somebody majestic like you- but at a terrible time like this?

Yeah… thats me when it comes to you.

I get so mad at everything around me for not being as perfect as you are. I get mad at time for not moving faster yet I thank it for slowing down when you come around. I get mad at the many men that invented time. I want to stop it all so bad. Yet somehow, when you’re standing in the same room as I am, it happens to freeze on its own and all I know is you. All I recognize is you, all that makes me feel safe is you.

Safety. You are my safety. That sounds wrong, I know, but I don’t mean it like that. I don’t depend on your comfort, but not a lot of people make me feel sure. You made it so easy, literally since the first day I met you.

Safety is not easily granted. All my life I have felt unsafe… in my thoughts, in classrooms, on the streets, in my own home etc. You gave me a taste of safety. You taught me what its like to be cared for, to be spoiled and most important to be loved. With you, I feel invincible. With you I feel unstoppable, with you I feel strong, waves and waves – heat waves drowned in passion slap the insides of my body when you touch me. The beautiful sadness that comes out of your eyes with every glance makes me want to write. The tenderness of your words… those heal.

With every “baby”, “berenice”, “big head” – I fall and fall and fall.
and I don’t want to be picked up.

I want to hold you and never let you go.

you’re effort to keep me sane and content is far from invalidated.
from make up remover wipes to soaking up my molly tears with your chest- i appreciate it all. Its all internalized.

I appreciate you staying up later than I do cause you know how I feel about you knocking out first.
I appreciate you running your index finger up and down my nose just to put me in a coma.
I appreciate you tripping over shit in the dark just to get me water.
Your Walmart runs become not only about you, but they’re followed up with a “what do you need/want?”
Food becomes for two.
I get home safe, cause you put me in cab.
My sour patches are always available for emotional support.
“smoke before you go” always makes my day.
You let me talk and talk and talk- and you don’t care if I make your ears bleed with everything i have to say.
You massage me after a long day.
You pay for everything 😦
You’re not afraid to tell me Im wrong and comfort me when it makes me feel incompetent.
You provide me with resources to succeed.
You set aside your emotions to make me happy.
You let me be both a starfish and spider monkey.
You let me do work in your space – so sacred.
You respect me.
You’re ready to fight for me.
You’ll do anything for me- just like ill do anything for you.
The crazy part is that you never complain, you never bring it up in fights, you love and you love hard.

Theres more on here that I remember that I prefer not to speak about (spring break) that has demonstrated that I am not just any random individual to you.
The thought of me not being in your life hurts and I am aware that I don’t do half of these things for you, but I need you to know that I recognize that and I want to change it. I don’t take these things for granted, i dont abuse your love, I dont I dont I dont.

I dont want anything else.

I need you to recognize that I am so grateful for you and I am trying to make you just as happy as you make me. My effort hasn’t always been the greatest, the way I show love hasn’t always been the sweetest, but it’s there and its only there for you. I fight, I nag, I cry, I scream, I yell, and my emotions take their course because they feel so strong for you. The biggest gift I can give you is trust, love, respect, honestly, loyalty and my word. You have it. Its the least you deserve. Saying something is usually different and always has less meaning- so ill show it instead. Ill show it by being your friend- you can always count on me. I’ll show it in ways you’ve never seen- all action. Ill show it by never letting you down. I’ll show it by getting you to trust me and by trusting you, Ill show it by forever being in your corner. Ill show it by never giving up. I don’t run from you. When you think I gave up too fast, on the other side of the curtain I’m scrambling to pick up the pieces to the messes I’ve made- praying that nothing takes you away from me. I fight and fight and fight for you and I wont stop. I care so much about you and I will love you even when you no longer don’t.

The thought of someone giving you everything I don’t or cant, hurts. I refuse to let you sink as long as I’m alive, and I refuse to see anyone do you harm. I refuse to let you settle for anything or anybody who is not worth what you are. I refuse to let everything you have worked for slip right before your eyes. I refuse to let you stop dreaming. I refuse to let you speak down on your own name or come at your ideal ever so handsome reflection. I am not only your friend, best friend, shawty, nigga, family, etc. I am also present and always will be. That is important. I am present and ready to listen, ready to guide and ready to love. You are my home. You are my haven. You are everything. My everything. Light?- that comes from you- and I thank you for brighting up my life.

You hear me? Im not going anywhere.
A day at a time, ill be here to remind you how great, perfect, handsome, hardworking, funny, sarcastic, human and special you are… especially to me.
you’re the one french fry.

Don’t give up on me, 47.

token


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