It all changes depending on what I listen to.
You’ll only soak in the things that’ll make you feel bad in this and we’ll fight about it, usually how it goes. You’ll reflect on everything else I said, and you’ll keep the parts that make you smile to yourself and god knows where you’ll direct your sadness/anger. Either that, or you’ll get uptight and the periods will begin, making it easier for me to be mad at you, making it easier for me to push you away. Yet we fight because we care. How different?
in and out? thats how we got here. we signed at the beginning remember? In or out -thats all I can be, binary. I have no no no issue sleeping with you for a night. No issue coming and going. No issue having sex with you and never speaking about it or speaking to you again because its a trait. Leaving? having one thing one day and it being gone the next? Life conditioned me for that one through experience, thats light. Acting like we don’t have such a history? I can do. Lie to myself about was good? definitely- anything to keep doing what I came here to do, always. Anything to push me from away from falling into the limbo we left open last year. Hell nah, I ain’t going back to that pain ever again. Quick and not genuine, thats how I treat my one night stands. They’re used and they’re temporary. They have no connection whatsoever. Its physical, its worthless, its over once its done. I laugh.
We was on that- then it became in or out. I didn’t benefit from out, so I was in. I was in because I love me and you remind me of me. I was in because I knew names for blankets only existed in one place, a place I once called home. I was in because your energy was one I looked forward to. I was in because you nurtured me when I needed it, I was in because there was always three types of tissues on the table if I sniffled. I was in for you because I know you for you. I know the parts you think I don’t and I cover wounds for you because I choose to. I was in because you make me feel safe, I was in because thats where I wanted to be and you wanted me too. I was in because we didn’t only speak english and Spanish but we spoke dance and struggle, feel me? So yeah, I was in. I wasn’t supposed to be, but I was and if we are ever in the same room that will always be the case.
I spoke about benefitting-Benefit how? I thought about the present and what outside factor would make me feel best, and that was you. I dropped “K” when I looked into your eyes that night and saw that it bothered you. We said no one else in the photo? At least for now? Perfect. Cause to me, no one else could have you. I live in the present. I live in the now, you are my now, at least for now, understand? I love taking care of you.
I am not a sad person, never have been. I don’t dwell on things that try and stop me from an end goal. Its what momma instilled in me. I was built and conditioned to stand up for what I believe, hit back if I got hit, and to suck it up cause it was all gonna be alright.
and it was… for me it always was.
years later, i became mad. Angry. It was cool, I’m still mad. I get mad real fast.
What isn’t there to be mad about? my predicament (overall)- Life, whatever. My personal?
Mad, I was mad when I lost you, I was mad when I couldn’t have you in ways I wanted. I was mad when people spoke your name in the way they did, I was mad that I let you make me feel that way, and I was mad that I listened to the people I wanna kill now. I’m mad that things happened the way they did and now we are where we are. I get mad when you get attention from someone else. I get mad when its not me in your sheets. My anger is passion. So yeah I’m mad but I’m passionate about you all the time. I am. When its good its so good. It feels good. Its beautiful, like it has been. When its sour, its sour. When its bad, its so bad.
I’ll tell you this, I’m a real nigga. I feel on my own, I cope on my own, I do things on my own. When I’m tight I can forget it all, forget about you, forget about us, forget about my emotions. That shit scary, but I’m not afraid to admit that you gotta special spot in my heart boy. A spot that I sometimes question, a spot that I sometimes nurture. A spot thats always gonna protect you, a spot thats gonna be in your corner at all times, love you from a distance. You make me smile man. (No this isn’t to get soft, but also I’m prideful). You make me laugh, you make me wanna punch you, and you keep me grounded. I care man, I really do and I can do that in so many ways. Ive always done it. You don’t have to be in my life for me to not care about you. I will always want the best for you, I will always root for you. I will always see you be fucking great. I will always send light into the universe and pray it comes your way.
Will i ever stop being jealous? Probably not. Sometimes I wonder how many people touch cherry and sad day. I get in my head, bad.
“Oh its 5PM… last time I heard from him was 11AM. — Me in my head— “He got somebody he good..”
Honestly. You different. One of a kind.
Will i ever suffocate you? nah, cause I’m great as well and yo, just because we great don’t mean we gotta be prideful.
I miss you…
Growth. Patience. Time.
Most Importantly love.
“If i ever loved you, ill always love you, thats how i was raised.”
Imma see you.