Wrote this listening to:
Jhene Aiko- Comfort Inn Ending
Frank Ocean- Bedtime Story
Avicii- The Nights
BANKS- Bedroom Wall
First off, forgive me for not blogging in almost an entire week, but this week was a little hectic.
I did however write every single day… in journal.
I wrote about a lot.
I ran into the man that owns the laundry mat up the block and it was good seeing him. The last time I saw him I was running into the hot place with three quarters in my hand because I wanted to get some gum for my siblings and I at the big gum machine he had next to the huge pacman game. When he stopped me, he asked me so many questions that made me think about how fast we grow up. I remember being at the laundry mat dressed in my school uniform helping my mom fold the little stuff. Help was help.
“Which university do you attend now?”
“What do you plan on doing after?”
Time really does fly. I wanted to cry. He brought back so much of my childhood, I just wanted to thank him and cry. He reminded me of how happy and innocent I once was as a child. No. I am not saying I’m sad and guilty as I’ll ever be at this point in my life.
I am trying to point out the beauty. The beauty in life at that age.
You know? Like 2nd grade? When the only worry you had was your lipgloss.
Children…. Boy am I in love with those little ones.
Teaching? I think I may go into teaching. I don’t see myself happier and at ease if it isn’t with children. Have you ever had a child just run up to you super excited to tell you about the great day they had at the park?
I would drop anything in the world to hear a child tell me about all of the pure happiness they experience.
Sometimes I wish children didn’t have to grow up. I don’t want them to go through any of the hurt this world has to offer them.
Leading into that…
I spoke to somebody for the first time the other day and I told him about how I looked at “hurt”.
I told him I loved getting hurt.
I told him that I lived to get hurt.
Not to alarm you. (I am actually smiling right now).
Woah, I actually spoke to two individuals about this.
Why not get hurt? Why are we running from this notion of hurt? We all tend to avoid what we think will hurt us. Our parents, teachers, friends are always trying to protect us from things that will cause us pain. Why?
Why do we need to be protected? Why must we run from things and experiences that will cause us to feel?
Lets look at hurt.
and this is what I was trying to explain the other day. I would always runaway from hurt, until I got tired. I got tired of only allowing myself to feel the good. I wanted to feel it all. I wanted life to throw me as many experiences as it possibly could and that meant including the bad.
I began to desire the feeling of a heartbreak. Got those.
The feeling of death. Got those too. Lost many… haven’t we all?
The feeling of having those train doors closed in your face.
The feeling of being betrayed by a close friend.
The feeling of being the bad guy.
This all taught me more than the positive has ever.
It has taught me that I am indeed capable of balancing myself emotionally. I am able to deal with things no matter how they come. The hurt has molded me into this strong yet vulnerable young lady that I am today.
A lady who is aware of the mistakes she has made and the mistakes that are yet to come and it is all okay.
It is all okay because at the end of the day.. I gain.
I gain more and more wisdom, emotion and experience.
We are so restricted to feel how we feel. It’s either our parents trying to live through us or us trying to live for the happiness of others.
What about your happiness?
I had to ask myself this question so many times. Do I not matter? Man oh man. Yes I do.
So when it comes to hurt.
Thank you. For allowing me to feel.
For allowing me to overcome those rough patches in life with the biggest smile on my face and the highest of chins because I have failed many times before.
But I have gotten up. Gotten up for myself and those I love. I will always fight and continue to fight because that’s what I do.
However, I’m fighting differently now.
Hurt… is everything being reflected in my mind right now. Hurt is the tears that we’ve all cried over somebody or something.
Tears I’ve cried.
It can be walking around somewhere right now.
That’s right. My hurt is something like us.
Human. Forgiven. Loved.